Learning to Love Your Children More Than You Hate Your Ex: Putting Kids First During Separation
Separation is a challenging and emotional journey for parents, but it can be even harder for the children caught in the middle. While it’s natural to feel hurt or frustrated with an ex-partner, prioritising your child’s well-being means finding ways to love them more than you resent or dislike or even hate the other parent. Here are practical actions parents can take to put their children’s needs first and create a more positive environment during and after separation.
1. Keep Conversations Civil and Focused on the Children
One of the most powerful ways to reduce tension is to keep conversations with your ex civil and focused on parenting topics. Even if emotions are high, make a commitment to keep discussions child-centered, discussing only what’s necessary for their routines, needs, and well-being. If a conversation begins to drift into sensitive territory, remind yourself (and each other if possible) that the children’s needs come first. Practicing this approach reduces conflict and models healthy communication for your kids.
If you need to communicate with your ex about issues not about the children then schedule in a ‘meeting’ where you meet in a public setting where the children are not present. Attempt to keep the meetings ‘business like’, especially during the initial separation period, to minimise this risk of further conflict.
2. Avoid Negative Comments in Front of Your Children
It can be tempting to vent about your ex, but speaking negatively about the other parent around your children can have lasting emotional effects. Children see both parents as central parts of their world, and hearing criticism of one parent can cause confusion, hurt, and loyalty conflicts. Instead, find a trusted friend, counsellor, or therapist to talk to when you need support, and work to maintain a positive or neutral view of your ex when your children are present. Also remember, that little people have amazing hearing and seem to hear through walls!
3. Embrace Flexibility in Parenting Schedules
A rigid approach to parenting time can add stress for both parents and children. Embracing flexibility can help meet your children’s needs and encourage a co-operative relationship with your ex. For instance, if an event or holiday would mean a lot to your child, consider adjusting the schedule so they can enjoy it, even if it falls outside the regular plan. This flexibility shows your child that their happiness comes first.
4. Participate Together in Important Moments
This is a tough one but if possible, attend significant events—like birthdays, graduations, or sports games—together, even briefly. While this isn’t always feasible, showing up together for important moments communicates to your child that they are supported by both parents, regardless of the family’s circumstances.
5. Seek Professional Support to Maintain Perspective
Therapists, mediators, and parenting coaches can help you work through difficult feelings while focusing on what’s best for your child. These professionals can guide you toward healthier coping strategies, making it easier to prioritise your child’s needs above any lingering conflict.
Final Thoughts
Separation is hard, but by learning to put your child’s interests first, you’re building a stable, nurturing environment that supports their growth and emotional well-being. By staying committed to a child-first approach, you show your children that they are deeply loved—and that love will always outweigh any lingering resentment between parents.
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